How to communicate your emotions without causing an argument - Part 3
Welcome back!
So, in part one of how you can communicate your emotions without causing an argument I shared with you the importance of learning emotional words that actually describe how you feel rather than words that project blame on to others. If you want a really awesome emotional words list poster so everyone at home can find just the word they’re looking for to describe how they feel, just follow the link at the bottom of this page. I guarantee it will transform how you, and your family communicate your emotions to each other.
In part two we talked about identifying how you feel by sensing into your body just exactly what the emotion is and where it’s coming from. We also talked about getting clear on your emotions by writing in your journal before you communicate.
Now we get to my favourite bit
In this final blog about communicating emotions effectively, I'm actually going to talk to you about how to listen to other people! Its such an important skill and trust me, learning to listen effectively changes everything. Do you want to be heard? And validated? The best way to be heard and validated is by learning to listen to others. When we give others respect by listening wholeheartedly they feel heard and are in a better position to listen to us wholeheartedly.
The problem is, so often, when we're talking about emotional stuff, we’re just not listening to each other. Instead, we tend to think about what we're going to say next. We might be thinking about how we’re going to fight our corner or we might be thinking about how they are wrong, and sometimes we’re just thinking about how we can make things better for them. Either way we’re just not listening.
And when we’re not listening, we’re not understanding, and we’re not finding common ground. Is it any wonder we end up in arguments?
Do you want to win an argument?
Or do you want to resolve an argument?
Do you want to resolve an argument? Do you want to walk away feeling heard and validated? Or do you want to walk away feeling righteous? You make the choice. Sometimes, people just want to have an argument and you have to be honest with yourself if this is the case. But mostly, I think we want to be heard and we don’t want to fight.
It’s time to start listening, and listening properly
One of the best communication tools I have found is active listening. It is so powerful . Something really magical happens when we listen actively. Instead of arguing we start to share a space, we start to connect, we start to feel compassion, we start to see the other person’s perspective and we realise that we are all just human, trying to navigate the world the best we can. And the best thing is, I really get to know what the other person is thinking and feeling. And it’s quite often not what you think!
Active listening is really paying attention and giving the person that’s speaking, your undivided attention. It’s not, letting them speak while you conjure up your next attack. Its listening whole heatedly in a way that you can repeat back to them what they have said. It’s really trying to understand how they are feeling and what they are thinking, from their point of view and their perspective.
When we feel heard, we no longer feel the need to fight and argue.
It’s about suspending your own beliefs, judgements, opinions and perspectives. It’s about dropping your argument. You see, you can’t hold on to your argument and listen, it just doesn’t work. The brain just can’t focus on the two competing bits of data. You either listen wholeheartedly or you think but you can’t do both.
And if you are thinking, you are not listening. This kind of communication gets you nowhere. Sometimes, it means you have to be brave enough to drop your argument and open your heart. Remember, you can always pick your argument up again after if you need to but the thing is, when you really listen to people when they're talking, what you often find is that you no longer need to say what you thought you were going to say. Active listening dissolves arguments.
Active listening dissolves arguments and builds love
Does that sound good to you or what? Who doesn’t want a bit more love in their life? So, how do we get started?
I won’t lie, it can be difficult to practice active listening during an argument when you’re not used to doing it. So the more you practice in everyday life the more adept you will become to using it in heated moments. The good news is that if you already have a meditation practice or are good at focusing on one thing at a time you’re already half way there. And if not, don’t worry, any one can learn this powerful skill.
Dissolve arguments by being a
good listener
A good place to start practicing active listening is any time someone is sharing with you something that is important to them. You can practice active listening with your children, partner, friends and colleagues.
All you have to do is suspend your opinions and don’t try to fix their problem. Just hold a space for them so that they can express their emotions and what’s going on for them. It’s not your job to judge whether they're right or wrong, justified or not, or to try to make them feel better. You just hold a space so that they can express what they need to express. When they have finished speaking test your active listening ability by telling them what you heard them say. Give them a chance to correct you.
This serves three points:
Firstly, they will feel heard, seen and supported – something we all need in life.
Secondly, they will learn how they are being heard and may adapt how they are expressing themselves to be better understood and communicate their emotions without causing an argument.
Thirdly, you will learn how good a listener you are and how much more practice you need.
Active listening takes practice because you have to maintain focus and presence. But it’s well worth the practice because it can transform how you communicate with people, and it has the power to dissolve arguments. In fact, active listening is just an awesome skill all round, it makes you a better person. And believe it or not, it makes you wiser because you get to learn how other people think and feel and this develops your intuition too. So, get started today and have a go at really listening to someone you love talk. See what you can learn about them that you never knew before.
Like I said, it takes practice, the more you practice the better you get but you can speed up your active listening abilities by practicing mindfulness and meditation. So, if you haven’t got a mindfulness practice maybe now’s the time to start.
So, to recap, on this three part blog;
One, increase your emotional vocabulary so that instead of projecting onto other people and blaming other people, you're actually sharing how you feel. Click here to download my emotional vocabulary list.
Two, get into your body, be aware of what it’s trying to communicate to you and then write about how you feel. This is especially important if you’ve been triggered big. Go into your journal and write like crazy until you know exactly how you feel about it. And why you feel that way. Sometimes, through doing this, you'll realize that you're not really angry with the other person because you’ve located your own emotion. And quite often, at this point we just want a bit of love and support and are able to ask for it without arguing.
Finally, practice active listening. The more you listen to others the more they will listen to you and the more you will find yourselves on the same page.
I hope this three part blog has helped you understand how you can start communicating your emotions without causing an argument. There’s a lot of tips in here and you don’t need to do it all at once, just pick one that resonates with you and start with that.
