IS YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE SABOTAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND LIFE?

For many people, relationships can be really confusing. While we know they’re supposed to be loving and supportive, they can often make us feel anxious, scared, vulnerable, jealous, rejected, and even aggressive.

It’s painful. Because what we want out of a relationship is a deep connection, love, support, encouragement, respect, comfort, intimacy, and friendship. So what’s going on? And how can we fix this cycle that keeps repeating in our love lives?

EARLY ATTACHMENT STYLES AND ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

I was more than ten years into my present relationship and had countless failed adult relationships before I learned about attachment styles. Even then, when I studied attachment styles as a mature student for my undergrad psychology degree, I didn’t really appreciate how our attachment style impacts every area of our lives.

Some years later, I noticed that a few people in my life not only have amazing relationships with their partners but also with their friends, their children, their work colleagues, their neighbours, and even the wider community. They seem to get on with everyone.

I rarely hear these people complain about or bad-mouth people in their lives. They’re easygoing, don’t hold grudges, and are difficult to offend. They’re also confident, often laugh at themselves, and don’t engage in identity work.

What makes interpersonal relationships for these people fairly easy and straightforward while other people struggle to relate and connect? Then it hit me: these people have a secure attachment style.

FOUR ADULT ATTACHMENT STYLES

We develop our attachment style in early life based on our relationships with our primary carers. There are four types of attachment styles:

Secure attachment -
Secure attachment, characterized by healthy relationships, involves comfort with intimacy and autonomy, fostering trust and emotional connection formed through consistent and responsive caregiving during childhood.
Avoidant attachment -
Defined by emotional distance and self-reliance, dismissive-avoidant individuals prioritize independence and often suppress emotions, resulting from caregivers' emotional unavailability or rejection during early development.
Anxious attachment -
Marked by anxiety and dependency, individuals with anxious-preoccupied attachment seek constant reassurance and validation, often fearing abandonment due to inconsistent caregiving experiences.
Disorganized attachment -
Defined by emotional distance and self-reliance, dismissive-avoidant individuals or disorganised attachment patterns prioritize independence and often suppress emotions, resulting from caregivers' emotional unavailability or rejection during early development.

PARENTING STYLES AND ADULT ATTACHMENT

We need our caregivers to provide love, emotional support, comfort, nourishment, and safety for our survival. We also need to feel like we’re seen, understood, and valued. We become securely attached when we can consistently rely on our parent or primary caregivers for these basic needs. However, if for any reason we get the strong sense that we can’t rely on them, we start to develop one of the three insecure attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, or disorganized.

MOST PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS DON’T PRODUCE A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE

The reasons and circumstances for a child developing an insecure attachment style are as wide and varied as life itself and are no reflection of how much our caregivers love us. Life happens, cultural behaviours and traumas cross generations, and none of us are perfect.

My generation's parents grew up with parents suffering from undiagnosed and untreated World War II post-traumatic stress disorder. Did their parents love them any less? No. Could they give their children the emotional support they needed? No. Didn't you ever wonder why they took so many drugs in the 60's?!!! As parents, we do the best we can with the resources, knowledge, and understanding we have.

But sadly, the truth is that in childhood, most of us develop one of the three attachment styles that leave us feeling disconnected, fearful, and confused in intimate romantic relationships and other close relationships.

So how do we become securely attached individulas?

ATTACHMENT STYLES STAY WITH US

Once we settle into an attachment style in childhood, it stays with us into adulthood and influences how we engage and interact with the people we meet in life. Securely attached children grow up to be securely attached adults and enjoy healthy adult relationships.

However, if the way your primary caregiver took care of you resulted in an insecure or anxious attachment style, you are not alone. Many of us share this experience, and it can put a strain on our adult relationships. It makes for a bumpy, confusing, and traumatic ride, especially when the people around us also tend to have an insecure or anxious adult attachment.

YOU’RE NOT DOOMED IN LOVE

But fear not, if you are like me and didn't grow up to develop a secure attachment, I promise you it’s not the end of the world and doesn’t signal a doomed love life and endless failed work and social relationships.

If we don’t know what our attachment style is, it can sabotage us our whole lives. But if we know what it is and work on changing it, we can transform our relationships into more secure and loving relationships.

While I’ve had some challenging relationships in the past, and while my present 20-year-long relationship was quite bumpy for a while, today, I enjoy a loving, supportive, fun, and enriching relationship with my husband. What’s more, where I once felt abandoned, I now feel supported. Where I once felt insecure, I now feel comfort. And where I once felt alone, I now feel connected.

I have a disorganized attachment style, sometimes called anxious-avoidant. That means I flit between anxious and avoidant behaviours depending on my mood and the circumstances. Someone with an anxious attachment style tends to fear abandonment, while someone with an avoidant attachment style tends to strive for independence. With an anxious-avoidant attachment style, we desperately want to be loved and desperately fear rejection. That fear of rejection has us acting all independent and unneedy, but we soon flip back, craving love, support, and connection. We can easily flit between I love you and I hate you.

For many years these patterns of behaviour were creating havoc in my romantic relationships. You can imagine all that push and pull, I love you, I hate you not only wrecks intimate relationships but hurts our romantic partners. I was having a hard time understanding emotional intimacy, and whilst I had long-lasting relationships, they weren't healthy.

DEVELOPING A SECURE ATTACHMENT

Over the years, I've had to work hard to overcome the consequences of my attachment style. My journey involved lots of personal development, soul searching, depth psychology work, shadow work, and mindfulness. Thankfully, I've managed to create a much more secure attachment style and today enjoy a healthy relationship with my husband.

When we understand our behaviour patterns, we can start to make changes. By observing how we behave and respond in certain circumstances, we can choose to act differently. Mindfulness is a great skill to learn as the practice of mindfulness slows us down, makes us more present-moment self-aware and gives us a space to respond instead of react. Working on past traumas with a therapist can also be very helpful.

If we’re prepared to work on ourselves, we can manage our attachment style and change our automated perceptions and behaviours so that our relationships are more loving, positive, and rewarding.

ATTACHMENT STYLE QUIZ

Change your relationships today by discovering your attachment style at The Attachment Project. Once you’ve completed the online attachment style quiz, you’ll receive a personal report to help you understand your behaviour patterns. (This is not an affiliate link, and I don’t receive any financial or other rewards from it.) But you will gain a lot of insight into how you operate in relationships, and that’s the first step to creating more loving, supportive, and nourishing relationships.

ATTACHMENT THEORY IN PSYCHOLOGY

The attachment style theory is a well-established and supported psychology theory, so it’s easy to find more information online. John Bowlby first introduced attachment theory in 1969. In 1970, Mary Ainsworth built on Bowlby's work. Using experimental methods, Ainsworth introduced the first three main attachment styles. Ainsworth’s work is supported by Main and Solomon, who introduced the fourth attachment style, disorganized, in 1986.

ATTACHMENT THEORY AND YOU

If you feel inspired to address your unhealthy attachment patterns and you’d like to know more about the four attachment styles, try doing the test using the link above. Once you know which attachment pattern is most prevalent in your life, you can start to improve your adult attachments and romantic relationships.

But there is so much more you can do to overcome an insecure attachment.

Learn to identify the four attachment styles in yourself and others.
Notice how people around you with secure attachment styles handle conflict and express emotions.
Find role model relationships from which you can learn and spend time with healthy relationship couples.
Address your childhood issues with a therapist, counsellor or psychologist.
Work with a coach who can help you identify clear objectives and goals for healthier relationships.
Develop self-reflection and self-awareness skills.
Nurture healthy relationships in your life.
Develop and practice the skills related to healthy communication.

INSIGHT HIGHLIGHT

If you're not one of the lucky few securely attached people out there, you're in the right place to turn things around. You do not have to spend the rest of your life in volatile, emotionally distant relationships. You can learn more about attachment theory, work on your insecure attachment and develop a better adult attachment style.

Do the work now, and you might just find future relationships much smoother and more rewarding. Start your personal development journey today. Do the test, seek out a mental health professional or a personal development coach, or plough into the many free resources on the internet. Only you have the power to develop your unique attachment style that provides the love and support you crave.

Thanks for reading, and as always, keep striving for growth and well-being, and never settle for less!

How I Can Help

I hope you found this blog post helpful and inspiring. If you have any questions or need further guidance, please don't hesitate to reach out. As someone deeply passionate about well-being and personal growth and development, I’m here to help you understand your behaviour patterns so that you can develop a secure base and improve your relationships. Whether through one-on-one sessions, workshops, or online resources, I’m here to support your journey towards becoming the best version of yourself.

Here’s to your well-being, personal growth and success!

Head over to the services section on my website for more information on how we can work together to achieve your goals. I work online and face-to-face at the Côte d’Azur in France.

Is Your Attachment Style Sabotaging your Relationships and Life?