How to communicate your emotions without causing an argument - Part 1

Hello!

Today I want to talk to you about a subject that I find myself talking about a lot. And because I talk about it a lot, its a lot to take in, so you’ll get this information in three instalments. This is part one, check back next week for part two.

When people come to me for advice and help in my personal life and within my coaching work, one of the biggest issues they have are interpersonal.  That is, they are having trouble with somebody or several people.  It could be their partner, their child, their parent, their boss or anybody else.  We’re social creatures and interpersonal relationships are important to us.

Especially our closest relationships.  But guess what? It’s our closest relationships that are the most challenging.  They’re the people who most easily trigger us without even intentionally trying.  We love them but communication often ends up with either or both party feeling unheard, invalidated, frustrated and angry.  No matter how hard we try, they just don’t get what we are saying and will often take offence, be on defence and likely attack back. Leaving both of you wounded and deflated.

Fighting about the same things over and over?

Often we’ll argue about the same things over and over again! And never get resolve.  Sound familiar?  Chances are you’re not a great communicator.  Along with thousands of other people out there that are also arguing with their loved ones.

I used to think I was really good at communicating my emotions.  I’m pretty articulate and in touch with my emotions – what’s the big deal?  But if I’m honest, it was a tough and challenging struggle to get resolve when I raised them.  Fact – I was useless at communicating my emotions, and trying often ended with me shouting at my husband.

I knew how I felt I just couldn’t get other people to see how I felt.

Well over the years I’ve learnt a few things about communication, and communicating how I feel, and today I want to share with you the first of three tips that have massively improved my relationships.

Build your emotions vocabulary

I know it sounds silly but I can’t stress how important it is.  If you’re a grown adult you’re probably thinking, ‘I’ve got enough vocabulary to communicate my emotions’ but I’m willing to bet you don’t.  You see the thing is that we don’t express how we’re feeling, we express how we perceive others are treating us – big difference.

Do you find yourself saying things like

·       I feel unsupported or I feel like you don’t support me

·       I feel let down or I feel like you let me down

·       I feel cornered or I feel like you’ve got me cornered

None of these are emotions.  They are projections. We know we are projecting when we start sentences with “I feel like you…”.

We are projecting our perceptions on the other person, not expressing how we feel. The problem is, we view the world through our perception which is unique to us and not necessarily shared by others. So, while our emotions can be the truth, our perception is often off kilter. That’s why you don’t get the reception you were looking for when you communicate like this. Instead you get your listener’s back up – you can expect attack or shut down but don’t expect a supportive ear.

Try this, do you find yourself often saying things like

·       I feel disgruntled, disheartened, lonely or agitated

·       I feel forlorn or wistful or humdrum

·       I feel pessimistic or harried or resentful

These are real emotions, they are felt by you. When you communicate in this way with real emotions you get a completely different response from your listener.  Instead of feeling defensive your listener will register your pain in their heart. They are more likely to feel compassion, and want to help. 

I’m willing to bet that your emotions vocabulary bank is not very big.  The first thing you could do to become a better communicator is learn more words that accurately describe how you are feeling. Expanding your vocabulary reduces frustration and is so empowering.

Want to feel loved when you express how you feel?

Having a handy list of emotions available in the house or at work is an excellent way to start communicating more effectively with your family, friends and colleagues. We’ve been using this poster in our house for years and its amazing how much better we are at communicating. Sometimes we’re just not sure how we’re feeling, (something I’m going to get into next week) but that’s not a problem when you have an emotions list poster, just find your poster and pick the emotions that best resonates with what you’re feeling. Start communicating better and get the support you need today.  Enter your email below to download my emotions list poster and help everybody in your family or at work to be better communicators.

See you back here next week for part two of how to communicate your emotions without causing an argument, and start your journey to a more peaceful and harmonious life. And if you love your poster please share this blog with your friends and family so they can get the poster too.