5 TIPS FOR MAKING UP AFTER AN ARGUMENT

Arguing with the people you love feels horrible. It's emotionally stressful. And leaves us feeling bruised. We've all been there. But we can turn an argument or a fight into an opportunity to learn, grow, and develop a deeper connection with those we love.

If you've just had a big fight, stick with me. I’m going to share my top 5 tips for making up after an argument so you can both move forward. Let's see if we can pull something positive out of what's happened. It's time to step up, be courageous, and learn from your mistakes.

SOMETIMES FIGHTS HAPPEN

Some degree of conflict is inevitable in a relationship. As individuals, we have different ideas, values, priorities, biases, and agendas. And sooner or later, they will rub up against those we love. The key is not to let our disagreements cause undue harm. But sadly, arguments over silly things can often escalate into fights and end up flooding us with all sorts of negative feelings.

Feelings of anger, pain, frustration, or upset are typical. But we might also feel awkward about something we've said and wish we'd said things differently. Soon enough, emotions like shame or regret start to creep in. Or perhaps, if our partner was out of control, we might be feeling hurt, offended, unloved, and emotionally battered. All these feelings are normal after a fight.

Arguing is normal. And fights happen. It's all a natural part of trying to share a life together. We can't always be on the same page. We'll never always agree, and quite often, we’ll disagree, even in a healthy relationship. But if you feel like you're constantly fighting or when you do argue, it's more like a fight, it might be time to address the underlying causes.

POWER STRUGGLES

In a relationship, there is often a power struggle. In psychology, we call this power relations or power dynamics. This can result in tit-for-tat arguments, bickering, and arguments that never get resolved. Usually, people aren't aware of the power struggle beneath the arguing about who does more house chores. We need to realize that underneath all the fighting and arguments is a fight for power.

In these power struggles, we're fighting for control and influence. We're fighting for our corner. We want to be heard, seen, and validated. We want what we want. Having power dynamics in relationships is quite normal, but constant power struggles can be detrimental to intimacy.

Power struggles can be the result of childhood challenges. Someone with an insecure attachment style may be more prone to needing control in the relationship. If you have two people with insecure attachment styles, this doubles the problem and likelihood of fighting.

SHADOW BOXING

Our attachment style is not the only remnant of childhood that we tend to drag into relationships. We all have shadows. These are the parts of ourselves that have been neglected, hidden, and stuffed down. The parts of us that, as children, were not welcomed by our parents, our environment, and society.

The problem is that our shadows tend to grow into big, beastly shadows the older we get. In a desperate attempt to draw our attention to our inner wounds, our shadows lash out louder and harder as the years roll by.

Many of the conflicts we see in relationships arise from our shadows being out of control and looking for attention.

In a way, we're acting like children. Neglected childhood issues and traumas need to be healed. If they're not, they create havoc in adult life. Our unseen inner child starts acting out. Instead of communicating like adults, most of us deal with conflict like children.

FIGHTS CAUSE MORE HURT FEELINGS

The problem with power struggles and unruly shadows is that they tend to turn our arguments into fights, causing more hurt feelings and damaging the relationship further. We're not children anymore. We're capable of really hurting people. We've all woken up the next morning and felt remorse over the hurtful things we've said. But once said, it's difficult to take them back. The damage is done.

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT COACHING

Many personal development strategies and tools can help heal our inner child wounds, unruly shadows, and insecure attachment styles. A personal development coach can hold a safe space and support you in working through this. The more we invest in personal development and explore our inner world, the more we become masters of ourselves and conduct ourselves in a less harmful manner.

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION

Unless we've made conscious efforts to develop communication skills like active listening and non-violent communication, most of us don't have the skill set to deal with conflict in a healthy way. Instead, we start throwing all manner of stuff at each other. Bringing in old wounds and events, shouting blasphemies, playing the blame game, or giving each other the silent treatment.

Developing good communication skills can prevent this from happening in the future. One book I found particularly helpful is Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

I'll be honest: before I read this book, I really believed that I was good at communicating my emotions. It turns out I was terrible at expressing my feelings and very good at projecting onto others. There's a difference. And people respond to these styles of communication very differently.

When we communicate our feelings, people tend to respond in a caring and considerate manner. When we project, it always gets people's backup. They instantly go into defence mode. The result? Another argument!

HEALING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AFTER A FIGHT

How we make up is a significant determinant of whether our relationship will last the test of time. Some research suggests that how we make up is more important than how frequently a couple argues. So, if you're arguing too frequently with your partner, take heart, knowing that if you master the kissing and make-up, you might yet find yourselves enjoying retirement together.

So, let's look at how to make up after an argument.

1. Harm reduction with time and space

If an argument doesn't seem productive and starts to get messy, you might be better off taking time out. Could you give each other some cooling-off space and return to it later? This action in itself can reduce the harm caused by an argument.

When we argue, it affects our physiology. Our heart rate and blood pressure go up, and we go into a state of flight or fight. This has its own negative effects, such as shutting down our immune system. But it also tells our brain we're not safe.

Listening to each other in this state can be challenging, and we're more likely to lash out. It can be a total waste of time trying to resolve problems when we’re in the fight, flight or freeze mode. Instead, take time out for harm reduction.

Don't just give your partner the silent treatment. This can be infuriating and frustrating for the other person. Instead, just let them know you'd like to take time out to calm down so that you can both come back later and talk more productively.

During your time out, find a way to discharge pent-up feelings and fight or flight hormones. When I was in my twenties and in a volatile relationship, I would go for a very long walk. But I guarantee that after a few hours in nature and discharging my adrenalin, I could come back and address the conflict in a healthier way.

As well as spending time in nature, you could try going to the gym, doing some breathwork, journaling, and cold water immersion. Anything that nourishes you and taps into your vagus nerve to calm you down can be helpful; doing art, baking, gardening, or listening to music are also good options.

Make sure you use this time productively. Don't use it as an escape or a way of ignoring the problem. Take time to reflect on what's going on for you at a deeper level. Be honest with yourself about how you are behaving and communicating. You might also like to talk with a licensed psychologist, therapist, coach, or counselor to help you work through what is going on for you.

Is the problem with the other person, or is it with you? Usually, when we find ourselves in an argument, it's because we've been triggered somehow. You can try to identify what's triggered in you rather than focusing on the other person.

2. Offer an olive branch

Once you've cooled down, you can start to think about making up. At some point, someone needs to offer an olive branch. We can do this in many different ways, and usually, couples will have their own olive branches. It might be a heartfelt hug, an inside joke, a cup of coffee, or simply an "I'm sorry." Whatever works.

If you've used your time out wisely, you'll be ready if your partner offers an olive branch first. Accepting an olive branch is integral to making up after an argument. If we frequently refuse an olive branch, this spells disaster for any relationship in the future.

Offering or accepting an olive branch is the first step in resolving conflict.

3. Talking after an argument

Don't brush things under the carpet and ignore the fact you've had an argument. It's essential to communicate after an argument. Taking responsibility and accountability for our part in an argument is vital in damage repair.

You may wish to talk about it right away. Another approach is to make a date in the next 24 hours to talk about it. This way, you're both ready and willing and will have set aside time where you won't be distracted by children or phone calls.

Actively listening to each other so that you feel heard goes a long way to rekindling the connection and intimacy. When we allow our partner to share their feelings without interrupting, we provide a safe space and show them that we care.

Making a heartfelt apology for your part helps rekindle trust, empathy, and intimacy. Try to use non-violent communication methods to avoid flaring up the argument again.

4. Finding the root cause of the problem

Most of our arguments are recurrent. Finding the root cause of the problem can reduce the frequency and severity of arguments in the future. Was the argument really about the washing up? Or something your partner did or didn't do?

Or were the actions perceived as symbolic of an underlying issue? Is it possible that on a subconscious level, leaving the dishes seemed like your partner didn't care about you or respect you? Remember, many of our arguments are rooted in our beliefs and childhood issues.

By doing inner work, we remove the thorns that trigger us and take away other people's power to disturb our peace. We reduce the number of arguments we have because we can communicate effectively instead of blowing up from being triggered.

5. Action plan

After an argument, it can be good to create an action plan. What did you both learn from the argument, subsequent time out, and reconciliation conversation? What would you like to do differently? How might you resolve the problem in the future if it's a recurrent issue? What process can you implement for the next time this issue triggers either of you?

FUTURE ARGUMENTS

We all know arguments can escalate quickly. But the faster we realize that any discussion has become unproductive or destructive, the quicker we can nip it in the bud. Take time out. And come back with more clarity.

In close and intimate relationships, we often find ourselves arguing repeatedly over the same issues. If you're arguing about something repeatedly, try to allocate some time to resolve the matter when neither person is triggered. Do some research and look for creative solutions to come to an agreement or understanding.

INSIGHT HIGHLIGHTS

While arguments are natural, if they escalate into a fight, they can cause detrimental damage to any relationship. Try to nip them in the bud before they escalate. Take time out, reflect honestly, and come back with an olive branch. Together, you can learn to grow and evolve through any conflict. Commit to investing in yourself by doing inner work with a coach or therapist to reduce the frequency of being triggered and future arguments.

Thanks for reading, and as always, keep striving for growth and well-being, and never settle for less!

How I Can Help

I hope you found this blog post helpful and inspiring. If you have any questions or need further guidance, please don't hesitate to reach out. As someone who’s deeply passionate about well-being and personal growth and development, I offer services designed to help you cultivate a life you love.

Here’s to your well-being, personal growth and success!

Head over to the services section on my website for more information on how we can work together to overcome your challenges. I work online and face to face on the Côte d’Azur, in France.